My fellow Pelicans. Four more than 83 years ago my father brought home to his content a new nation, conceived by Lady Liberty and the Taco Bell dog, and so eradicated the prediction that all men are equally created.

Now we are engaged in a really great war to test if that nation so conceived and so eradicated can ever be safe for your children, should they ever become president or not, and then maybe not of a nation so great as my father brought home, but perhaps a small and cute nation nobody really looks after anyway, like Libraria.

By the way, I can also announce that I have sent UN beekeeping forces to the country of Libraria, to make our nation a safer place for librarians. They're good people, librarians. I've had my copy of Green Eggs and Ham checked out for over thirty-two years now, and I never heard a thing. Still read parts of it every day.

So what, oh yeah, the war. We meet today on a really great whopper of a battlefield from some old-timey war. I want to eradicate a portion of this field whereupon we now stand, to the brave men, who are dead, by the way, who struggled and still struggle today and have already desecrated it far beyond my ability to add and subtract.

The world will not take little notes nor remember very well what I just said, but then, neither will I. However, the brave men, who are dead, by the way, will never forget. It is for us - the undead - to be eradicated to the unfinished work which they who so bravely fought were too damn lazy to do.

Instead, we must we be eradicated to a great task - the remains are before us - that from the honor of the dead men we take increased devotation to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotation - that we here highly resolve that these dead men shall not have died. In vain.

Read my lips - I am not a crook. I did not have relations with Dick Cheney's staff member, nor with any other member, or any other staff. We have nothing to fear, but fear yourself. And if you disagree, feel free to move out of the country and say: "Ich bin ein wiener!" (Or was it "frankfurter"?)

This nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and a government of the people, by the people, and under, between, across from and inside the people, shall not varnish from the earth. May God continue to bless America, even during the break.

--Paul Hunt